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For most marriages I am aware of, transition is the end of sex. Some choose celibacy, others open the marriage up, others choose a version of polyamory.
I would love for someone within the trans masculine community to write a mirror article from that perspective. 's Laura Jane Grace addressed how being transgender affects relationships.Folks on the West coast might get to act like it ain't no thing, but around here not passing could actually get you seriously hurt."Naturally this extends to cis people with trans attractions, especially cis men.However, as some responses I received indicate, this friction can sometimes lead to self-discovery by both partners: "During the first year of my transition I did discover that I have a growing attraction to men, something I never had before.I had by then been in a wonderful 11 year relationship with a woman who is still my partner today.Almost everyone interviewed about the topic was younger and lives in large metropolitan areas with significant queer communities (Los Angeles, San Francisco, and Chicago).
The reality of trying to date while transgender is far more difficult and complicated, however. The episode quotes a statistic that only 7% of marriages survive transition.
"Being newly minted with the label of pansexual and beginning to identify as polyamorous (legitimizing in a way years of consensual and healthy non-monogamy), I entered the dating pool primarily through online dating.
- "I don't love her because she's trans, or despite the fact that she's trans. "I've learned to be grateful for things I'd previously taken for granted: My safety walking down the street, the fact that I can be reasonably confident of finding a job if I look for one, my assumption that others see me as I see myself with no need for me to constantly evaluate my behavior and others' reactions to it." - In the video, Our Lady J states, "I found that it's easier to date people who don't really identify - period. And I think if you have a rigid definition of your sexuality you're going to have a hard time being open to someone who breaks that definition." This is a fair definition of a queer orientation.
Laura Jane's description of how it impacted her relationship with her wife in the first half of the episode was a very accurate portrayal of my own observations about the challenges of holding a pre-existing marriage together post-transition.
However, the second half of the episode -- which dealt with dating -- presented an incomplete or potentially misleading picture of what dating (or attempting to find a date) is like for transgender women.
I got immediate responses after coming out as trans to them: 1.) "Ann, I'm no longer able to communicate with you," and 2.) "Sorry I have to cancel our call tonight, something's just come up." - "I identify as a lesbian, yet I have no idea how I would be received in a lesbian-only space.